York Pattie Wars

York Patty


I have been back on a keto diet for about three weeks – my G.P. and my shrink are both very happy with me about that – sugar is my most worstest enemy, for real; mood swings, insane food binges, you name it. Anyway, it hasn’t taken long for me to get back down to my fighting weight and in about two weeks I’ll be in the wonderful neighborhood near the corners of IdealWeight Ave. and DamnThisSweaterLooksGoodOnMe Blvd. Not to mention that I’m able to concentrate; it’s made this week (which is usually the lowest part of my bimonthly mood cycle) not just bearable, but productive; and this is the first year, out of five tries, that I am not behind on my NANOWRIMO word count in the first week of the month. Thank you, protein packed meals…

Well, I turned down free cupcakes at work the other day. They looked good too… (I’ll see if I can find a picture of that place’s cupcakes)

Girl Scout Thin Mints Cupcake

(see what I’m sayin’?)

Anyway, when I politely turned them down, one of my coworkers looked down his nose at me and said, “You are just wasting away.”

Of course, my first instinct was to say, “Bitch, jealous?” And I’m very good at going with my first instinct. He huffed and walked away… but in my mind I was smug, because  that might be the nicest thing anyone could have ever said to me.

Anyway, he’s been trying to sabotage me ever since… with York Peppermint Patties. They have been turning up all over the place, and when I find them, I slip them back into his messenger bag, his coat pockets, etc. Well, today our receptionist came by with the mail and handed me a package. I was confused because it didn’t look like my usual work type stuff and I didn’t remember having ordered anything. I opened the package and the bastard had mailed the candy to me.

2013-11-06 11.32.26

So, I just mailed the candy to a guy in upstate New York who has to send paperwork to my coworker on a weekly basis – he’s going to put them in with his next FedEx delivery. If that doesn’t work, I’m just going to mail them to my coworker’s boyfriend, because I know he won’t question any of this, he’ll just eat them – and honestly, I don’t care which one of them eats the candy, because my goal is to remain thinner than both of them… and now, this is war.



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